The LGBTQIA+ community contains so many diverse identities and perspectives that, sometimes, groups can be overlooked. This is certainly true for asexual and aromantic communities – demographics whose experiences are often misunderstood or misinterpreted, both within and out with the queer community.
However, to truly understand the spectrums of desire and love, it’s crucial that we educate ourselves about and advocate for ace and aro folks. Whether it’s reading about identities like fraysexual and demisexual that sit on either end of the ace spectrum, correcting harmful assumptions that ace or aro identities can be “cured”, or signal-boosting the work of ace-aro activists like Yasmin Benoit, there is so much that allies can do.
When it comes to aromantic identities, there is particularly limited visibility in the media and wider culture. For questioning folks, that means that there is little representation out there that validates or mirrors their perspective. Our society is so obsessed with the idea of romantic love as an ideal that most alloromantic (non-aromantic) individuals may not even know about alternative models of experiencing love.
That’s why we tapped The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project to answer a range of NTK questions about being aromantic for those who are questioning and for allies.
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What does it mean to be aromantic?
It can be hard to settle on a concrete definition of aromantic, not least because the term refers to a spectrum of different identities rather than one definitive experience. However, even if it risks over-simplifying things, it can help to have a quick explanation you can rattle off whenever family, friends or the public pose questions about what, exactly, the term aromantic means.
“Aromanticism is a spectrum of identities that involve experiencing little to no romantic attraction,” explains a spokesperson from The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project. “More colloquially, that means not really getting crushes or falling in love, often not wanting romantic relationships. Beyond orientation, it represents navigating an amatonormative world [a world in which romantic love is the norm] in non-normative ways, in defiance of cis-heteropatriarchy and settler sexuality.”
What are the different aromantic identities?
As we explained above, aromantic is actually an umbrella term, under which lies various aro identities which exist in a spectrum. Below, we provide a primer of different aro identities:
- Lithoromantic: people who feel some degree of romantic attraction but don’t need these romantic feelings to be reciprocated.
- Greyromantic: individuals who experience infrequent romantic attraction, or romantic attraction of lesser intensity.
- Demiromantic: folks who only experience romantic attraction after developing a close emotional bond with someone.
- Cupioromantic: people who are curious about or may desire a romantic relationship but don’t necessarily experience romantic attraction themselves.
- Apothiromantic: individuals who do not experience romantic attraction.
There is nothing unhealthy about not wanting a committed romantic relationship. We are already whole on our own.
Are there any misconceptions about aromanticism?
With the lack of visibility of aro folks, as well as the pedestal upon which society places romantic love, there are plenty of misconceptions about aro folk.
For the people at The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project, the biggest misconception is the believe that aro people have ‘commitment issues’ which, upon resolution, will lead to them renouncing their aro identity and embracing normative romantic love.
“One common misconception and frequent source of invalidation for questioning people is the conflation of aromanticism with ‘commitment issues’, ‘avoidant attachment style’, or some other armchair psychology diagnosis that depicts us as pathological,” the spokesperson explains.
“There is nothing unhealthy about not wanting a committed romantic relationship. We are already whole on our own.”
How might learning about aromanticism broaden our ideas of love, intimacy and friendship?
Ultimately, aromantic folks experiences can teach the wider community so much about how we navigate relationships and our support networks. When we listen to their perspectives, we gain insight into our own biases as well as the broad possibilities of human connection and relation beyond a romantic, monogamous couple unit.
“We live in a society that glorifies and legally reinforces the couple unit and the nuclear family as central to life,” explains The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project. “As a result, aromantic people often have to build their relationships differently than alloromantic people, involving a more thoughtful reflection of their social needs and a rejection of societal assumptions and dictation about what different types of relationships entail and mean.”
Aromantic folks don’t necessarily rely on one romantic partner who is expected to meet all of their emotional and support needs. Instead, they may embrace a more communal approach and reject the privatised nature of care which is encouraged through social assumptions about the role of a romantic partner.
“Aromantic social support networks might include consent-based care and mutual aid distributed across friends and community instead of obligatory care for and from one dedicated partner,” the spokesperson explains. “They may value friendships more deeply. They may be more egalitarian and less hierarchical with how they prioritise different people in their lives.”
Even for those people who identify as alloromantic, adopting an aromantic lens may help encourage folks to remain connected to community even when they are in a monogamous couple.
“Everyone can learn from aromanticism because amatonormativity harms us all. It promotes isolation and leads to the overlooking of other important interpersonal relationships and the erosion of community,” the explain.
Where can aromantic folks and allies find further information and support?
Now that you’ve read through this article, it’s likely you’re hungry for more info. Not sure where to look? We’ve got you.
The first port of call should be The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project website, taaap.org, which has various aro-affirming resources, from 101 information (which you can find under the ‘Learn‘ section) to various presentations explaining different topics in-depth (which you can find under the ‘Projects‘ section).
Interested in new approaches to structuring support networks? Check out the presentation ‘Moving Beyond Relationship Hierarchies to Community Care with Relationship Anarchy‘.
