Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – a bisexual, polyamorous, and neurodivergent educator, writer, advocate, and expert at Taimi – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.
Dear Leanne,
I started dating a guy who was in a couple and he told me that the one rule in his non-monogamous relationship was complete secrecy about what he gets up to with others in his dating life. Then, I started dating another guy with the exact same set-up. I ask around on the scene and…turns out they are a couple! I feel a bit cringe dating them both at the same time, especially since – unbeknownst to them – we’re basically a throuple at this point. I’m dreading the moment that I bump into them both at a party and the other shoe drops. How do I navigate this while respecting the privacy they each want in their dating life?
Regards,
Forgotten throuple member
What a dilemma! I can only imagine how uncomfortable and anxious you must be feeling in having to deal with keeping such a big secret from two people at the same time. Dating two people who have explicitly asked for secrecy, only to find out they’re a couple, adds a layer of complexity you didn’t sign up for.
To be honest, the chances of this happening were probably fairly significant – the polyamorous population is much smaller and more tight-knit than those who date monogamously, and it’s pretty common for couples to have similar tastes in people – but I can absolutely understand how this situation has the potential to be a bit of a ticking time-bomb. Let’s unpack this together.
In short, you’ve found yourself in a ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ arrangement
The situation that you’ve found yourself in is commonly referred to in the polyamorous community as a “don’t ask don’t tell”, or DADT, arrangement, which is pretty much what it says on the tin: don’t ask each other about who you’re dating, and don’t tell each other about who you’re dating. It’s different from monogamous cheating, because the parties in the relationship are fully aware that they’re seeing other people – they just don’t want to discuss it or hear about it happening.
It’s also slightly different from tolyamory – a more recent neologism coined by Dan Savage, where two people are ostensibly in a monogamous relationship but turn a blind eye to each other’s infidelity – in that the parties have explicitly agreed to the arrangement rather than falling into it without discussion.
There are various reasons people may desire or practise DADT, and I’ve found the most common motivations are a desire for discretion and privacy, to avoid dealing with jealousy that arises from hearing about other partners (whether temporarily or permanently), and to maintain a facade of monogamy to avoid the stigma and judgement that can come from openly practising non-monogamy.
Don’t get me wrong – practising non-monogamy doesn’t mean that your partner needs to know absolutely everything about what you’re doing, and different people have different agreements on what to disclose or keep private in their relationship, or how much interaction they want between metamours.
But, as DADT is a pretty extreme form of keeping your relationships separate, where you not only do not disclose what happens in your relationships, but also whether or not you even have other relationships at all, it is considered a controversial and relatively fringe practice under the non-monogamy umbrella, and often creates more problems than it solves.
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Behold: the potential problems with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell arrangements
Firstly, the secrecy and lack of information inherent to DADT presents a pretty major barrier to informed consent in non-monogamy, and often leads to people lying directly to their partners to maintain this secrecy, especially if they live together and are able to maintain a close eye on each other day-to-day.
Secondly, people often use DADT to bury their heads in the sand about the fact that they are in a non-monogamous relationship, which not only is avoiding some much-needed personal work around jealousy and insecurity, but may also indicate that they are betraying their personal needs and values around what they want in relationships.
Thirdly, DADT introduces a hierarchy that has the potential to disenfranchise partners who are not part of the original couple, as they cannot practise their relationship as openly.
And finally, what I find happens in DADT a lot of the time is that people end up accidentally finding out that their partner went further with someone else than they imagined in their head, and the revelation can cause even bigger problems in the relationship than if everything was openly discussed and above board…like it has in your situation.
Of course, this isn’t the case for every single DADT dynamic – there are certainly ones that can work, but from what I have seen, DADT is generally best suited for couples who desire short-term connections (e.g. the occasional hookup with strangers, or only engaging with other people on long-distance business trips where there is little to no chance of partners ever meeting), rather than ones that are sustained long-term.
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TLDR: Does this situation feel sticky to you?
With all that in mind, how do you feel about their rule of secrecy now that you’ve pieced together the connection? Is it something you are ultimately comfortable maintaining, or would it feel uncomfortable and deceptive for you? I would also consider how this might look long-term – how do you feel about both partners keeping you a secret from each other, and how far would you be comfortable taking these connections given the limitations presented?
If this feels like a problem for you, you could address this by approaching each partner individually and tactfully mentioning that secrecy in relationships isn’t something you’re entirely comfortable with, and give them a chance to reconsider the dynamic without forcing the issue or revealing that you know they are a couple.
As for the issue of potentially running into them both at the same event, it might be time to discuss with each of them how you want to interact with each other in public. A lot of DADT couples not only wish to keep their relationships secret from each other, but other people as well. Perhaps you can keep it casual and act as though you’re just meeting them both, or decide ahead of time what feels best for you if they catch on. But, once again, you have to consider what this means for you and your connections with each of them long-term.
Ultimately, it’s important that your values align with the dynamics you’re involved in, and that you carefully balance your respect and consideration for others’ boundaries and agreements with respect and consideration for yourself and your own needs.
If this situation feels sticky to you, and the secrecy and potential awkwardness don’t sit well with you long-term, it might be best to step back from one or both relationships. And if they do find out eventually and things go badly, it’s important to remember that you did your best to respect their desires, and that none of this is your fault.
Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.co.uk with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.
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