Sometimes it can feel like there isn’t a single queer person who hasn’t tried non-monogamy at some point – but of course, as a polyamorous person myself, this is what I would say. While folks are certainly more aware of non-monogamy than ever before, and a thriving online community has cropped up of polyamory influencers creating educational content, it can sometimes be hard to know exactly how to begin, and continue to navigate, your non-monogamous journey.
Specifically, it’s easy to feel uncertain when it comes to finding the answers to questions plaguing us at different points of our non-monogamous journey: from how to close an open relationship to advice on navigating whorephobic non-monogamous partners (hint: dump them!), or even tips on coming out as polyamorous to your family.
That’s where the community’s love of relationship handbooks comes in: whether it’s picking up a well-thumbed copy of The Ethical Slut, lending a friend a copy of Polysecure to navigate some metamour drama, or downloading a PDF of legendary guide The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy.
The latest entry into the canon of non-monogamy advice? The Non-Monogamy Playbook, from writer, educator and veritable icon Ruby Rare. Accessible, thorough and distinctly unpatronising (an important quality in self-help books, believe me) the book provides necessary context about the non-monogamous community, while succinctly explaining some of the subculture’s key terms. But it’s not all talk and no action – there are a range of prompts and thought-starters to help readers deepen their understanding of non-monogamy and begin to put these teachings into practice.
Below, we catch up with Rare to discuss her own non-monogamy journey and explore the intersections between the queer and polyamorous communities.
View this post on Instagram
Great to meet you Ruby! First off, how would you describe your own polyamory journey and how do you currently identify?
I’ve been non-monogamous in some form or other for a decade now, and it’s been a ride. During the early years, especially, there were a lot of mistakes made and mess – to be honest, I think that’s an unavoidable part of the journey. After about three years, things started to level out and be less turbulent. I’m currently somewhere in between solo polyamorous and practising relationship anarchy. I’ve got a handful of loved ones that I share beautiful and filthy connections with, and I’m enjoying treating my relationship with myself as my ‘primary’ partnership.
I know that sounds a bit Eat, Pray, Love but it’s honestly doing wonders for me at the moment. I tend to use the phrase ‘non-monogamy’ because it’s the broadest term and gives an indication of how I do things without having to specify details straight up. It’s kind of like how the word ‘queer’ gives a general flavour of how you may identify in terms of sexual orientation, without you having to ‘prove’ exactly what that looks and feels like to you.
What are some of the biggest ways you’ve come into your queer, non-monogamous identity over the years?
For me, non-monogamy and queerness feel very woven together as aspects of my life, because they both define how I create romantic and/or sexual connections. They also play a big part in shaping my politics and how I root myself in community. It’s quite hard to distinguish between the two, to be honest, which is why writing the ‘Queering Relationships’ chapter in my book felt so important. For me, non-monogamy aligns a lot with queer theory, and invites me to question rigid social scripts and learn to embrace fluidity and the unexpected.
How do you think that your book builds on the history of beloved non-monogamous how-to guides like The Ethical Slut and Polysecure?
There are some incredible books out there already, so I really thought hard about if and how I wanted to add my voice to the mix. In the end, I thought it was important to speak about non-monogamy from a UK perspective, because so many of the books and resources available are from the US. I also wanted to weave more personal experiences and informality into my book, along with introducing more political and theory-based ideas in an accessible way. Ultimately, I feel proud that this is my contribution to the wider conversation, I want more books available so that curious people have more perspectives to learn from.
“I’ve been non-monogamous in some form or other for a decade now. It’s been a ride”
Within the queer community, there is an expectation that bisexual and fluid sexual identities are more likely to be non-monogamous. What have you found in your personal experience?
On a personal level, I do see a lot of bi+ people who find that non-monogamy affirms their sexuality and can be a beautiful way of expressing it. However, there are so many bi+ people in happy monogamous relationships, which we need to celebrate and not discredit!
Anecdotally, there seems to be an overlap between kink and non-monogamy. Why do you think that is?
There’s for sure a link between non-monogamy and kink communities. If you start questioning social norms about sex and relationships and begin exploring, there’s a good chance you’ll dip your toes into both of these spaces. The last kink event I was at was pretty much exclusively polyamorous and non-monogamous people, they don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand, but they often do.
As a last question, let’s get stuck into a classic question of ~non-monogamy discourse~. What do you think on the age-old question: is polyamory is an orientation, like queerness, or whether it’s more of a lifestyle informed by choice?
This is a tricky one! My thoughts on this change often. For a lot of people, probably myself included, non-monogamy feels like an additional element to the way they do relationships. We’ve also got to acknowledge there are others who feel this is an inherent, non-negotiable part of their identity. Ten years in, this started out as a choice for me but now I really don’t think I could go back to being a monogamous babe.
It’s important to listen to that and respect it, and acknowledge the real stigmas faced by non-monogamous people, most pressing around child custody, employment and housing. But I start feeling wary when this is put at the same level as systemic prejudice tied to racism, transphobia or ableism. There’s some perspective needed to be aware of how discrimination linked to non-monogamy sits alongside, and within, other forms of discrimination.